I am 14 hours, 17 minutes and 851 miles away from the place I call home. I voluntarily missed my first flight (see Changed my Maine) ever. Over a month ago, I had envisioned myself to be somewhere in Myrtle Beach and although that ticket was not purchased with intentions that have led me to cancel, it did make me realize that I am the only one in this world that can guarantee my own happiness. Not my mother, or father, friends or siblings and especially any girlfriend. So, I ran away. Again. Naturally.
Six months ago, I ran far away from home to Wyoming. I diagnosed myself with a broken heart and the only cure was to try to discover myself in one of the most remote places in the entire country. Nearly six months since then, I did it again. My heart is completely broken with the loss in faith. (F’ing show me that fate and hope exists.) Stop making my eyes bloodshot from not sleeping. My clothes dingy from being on a constant go. I haven’t touched my luggage yet. In fact, I slept curled up in my truck reading a book on Bloody Pond Road. Regardless, I’m ecstatic to be on the road because I’m running away from my hometown. I don’t believe in it anymore. It’s a superficial town that pokes fun of anyone that reaches outside of the norm. I apologize for my ramblings but I found my laptop beneath the pile high luggage that accompanied me upon my trip. I have a lot I need to say.
5am: My cat gently paws at my face for food
5:25: I feed him
5:30 Back to bed
7:30 Shower and go get coffee
8:01 Hope I don’t get yelled at for some mundane incident
8:02 Wonder what I’ll be doing (I’m the odd man out due to lifers)
9:00 Annoying co-worker whistle the theme to Jurassic Park
9:15 Still whistling, but now added loud claps.
10:00 Co-workers turn on multiple tv’s. Max volume different channels. I physically can’t think.
5:00 I leave. Wonder if this “is it”.
Repeat. This is my life.
Why do I go on road trips? Maumee is a ritual. Including my own faults, it is a cycle that can never be broken. I’ve tried my hardest to become happy with myself, by myself. I’m god damn close. Why? Because I am finally leaning on myself. I banked my life on another for as long as I can remember and it struck midnight years upon years ago and I’ve spent way too much of my life trying to convince people that the glass slipper belonged to me. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in trying to help kids out by coming up with an idea and getting no response at all. My requests have gone so unnoticed to the point where I want to just buy pumpkins and give them away to kids. No one donated. Not Meijer (6.4 billion), Not anyone that sells pumpkins (discount or any free pumpkins for donation). I can’t even find a spot to give them away. Maumee is Facebook and I am just as guilty. It’s a hey, hey, hey….look at me!!! What did you say; lifestyle. I’m ultimately defeated.
I met a guy tonight who was quite possibly the nicest guy I ever met. His daughter was a Boston Celtics cheerleader for a few years and she was getting married this weekend in Portland, Maine. He was from West Boston and he went to Amherst until his sophomore year when he dropped out to run from San Fran to Boston, averaging over 50 miles a day. Setting a record. He is a public speaker and talked to me for a considerable amount of time and even buying me a beer. He convinced me that running away is ok, but always run towards what you believe in. I don’t believe in anyone back home anymore. I’m not going to run away, because I’ve imagined myself in every little city I’ve passed along the way on my trip and I can’t see a different answer. I just know that I need to balance my life on my own and I have to now accept this..
Prove me wrong. Someone. Something..