Hi. I’m back. (You know what that entails)
As disheartening as it may be for you, it’s near devastation for me. As I opened up my laptop on the exact night that is designated towards giving thanks, I could still see my fingerprints from months ago upon the keyboard and visualize the desperation in which they were laced with. I could envision my old self once again as the light from the screen beams into my now dreary and exhausted eyes. I failed miserably at writing about the times I have smiled and laughed and loved during this short hiatus. With all apologies to those, if anyone, whom I left in the dark, I was busy living and when you’re living, your sorrows are far to shallow to drown in or consume. I’ve wanted to write about falling in love and how I escaped the deafening silence and self comfort of a broken heart on the way towards self toleration and eventually compatibility. I needed to express the joy of fate and how it brought a photo to life and allowed me an opportunity to break the bad. This did not happen. In fact, it parlayed itself into a tradition that only I could be capable of achieving.
Whether it’s pure coincidence or the moons gravitational pull, I’ve relinquished a lot of relations on or near holidays. I can’t answer why. November has been a near disaster for the Shanteau side of our family and although I do not entirely believe in fate or destiny, I would never disregard fact. I can’t fully understand why we seem to pass away specifically during one particular month over the remaining eleven. What I must tell you, is that life holds a lot of answers and lost puzzle pieces that we are incapable of understanding until quite possibly our time has passed. Unfortunately, I am a firm believer that this is when we finally realize that these missing moments and opportunities were intentionally unavailable in order to mask reasoning and highlight misfortune in hopes of learning and bettering future moments that are forthcoming on a daily basis. Be it in this life or the next. The decisions I have made in my life have all been derived from my willingness to do what was best at that exact moment. Thus, I have never made a bad decision. However, we grow as human beings and transform into something better and unfortunately, time often allows us to reflect back and sometimes regret those decisions. I can only hope that if it was meant to be, then our paths will cross again and allow my regret to relinquish into a second opportunity.
Heartbreak never gets easier. I’ve learned with age, that it’s just a part of life. (and blogs) Whether you’re single, married, divorced, widowed, or all that proceeds, vice versa. Deep down in my soul, I’ve never hated a single person that I have crossed paths with during this lifetime. Two people bond in one form or another and may separate as that initial connection is quickly substituted with thirty four years of trials and tribulation within great detail in a short period of time. I know that physical features, personalities and traits allow us the differential that is necessary to separate one person from another. This guides us towards an opportunity to close the gap between one and the one. It’s helped me to understand that if something does not work out, that hatred and vulnerability need not persist. It’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances that leads use to another. That patience is a virtue within a life that refuses to wait for our permission to officially begin. I’ve held on too long and let go too early. I’ve listened to my heart and also ignored it. What I envision as “life” or “living” when my eyes are closed and my heart is open, is expressed when ever I’m willingly allowed to grace the ground with my foot each morning. That “life” may never happen and that is something I am willing to accept as long as I believe that it can each and every day. That possibility is my greatest asset and it will surround me and comfort me just as much as another had previously.
Tonight, I wondered how many times it takes following off a horse until I no longer want to get back on. How many times do I have to touch the stove before I know it’s hot? Why is possibility burning my finger and extinguishing my desires? How many toothbrushes will I have to discard? Then I realized that without tribulations, I would never get back up. I would never experience what I have and in return, I would not be the person I have become. Slowly, I am trying to grasp the concept that I do not have to get right back up. I can slowly evaluate myself and allow my experiences to relinquish my mistakes thus presenting the positives. I’ve learned that balance in my life is what I desire. I’ve seen my scale tip from one end to another as I tried to find what was missing from one to the other and in return, this has made my life erratic. Thus, I am currently emotionally and physically drained. Possessing patience will hopefully allow me to balance out and even keel my life and maybe, just maybe allow me an opportunity with complete compatibility with another in the future. Permitting me to break the bad and understand that heartbreak does not come with a permanent scar.